The Country Music Awards

I tuned into the Country Music Awards out of boredom and a lack of anything else resembling entertainment on the tube.

What I found was mildly appalling. I’ve never been a fan of Country Music. In fact, I would go so far as to say it is the only form of music I generally dislike. I am, however, a big fan of Bluegrass, which is, in some ways, very similar to Country. But there is one main difference. I still am not sure what that is, but, trust me, it exists. There is some factor that makes Bluegrass not just tolerable, but downright enjoyable, and, to me, Country does not have it. What is it? Originality? Whiskey? Soul? It might be soul.

Whatever makes Country Country, I don’t know. I do know that it has always had the same enduring characteristics which have always contributed to my dislike: Jeans, Cowboy Boots and Hats, Overly Wholesome Artists and Performances, Plaid, Goatees and Mullets.

I must say I was shocked to see what Country looks like today.

The most noticeable trend was the complete lack of color (and I’m not talking about skin –yet). There was not a single splash of color anywhere in the building. Ever single artist, performer, presenter, reporter and guest wore black. Every one. Black shoes, black jeans, black shirts, black hats. Not a single red bandanna in the crowd.

The new look of Country.

It seriously looked like a pathetic attempt at goth- everyone was wearing black pleather. There were even pleather clad dancing whores on stage for one of the performances, titled something like “Shake it, Girl, Shake it.” I believe it was a Black Eyed Peas cover.

 Other thoughts on the CMAs:

• Really? Lionel Ritchie? With the dude from Hootie and the Blowfish? What’s his name? Oh yeah, Hootie. I know that Hootie has been long trying to establish himself as the black guy in Country music, much to the chagrin of most country music fans, but Lionel Richie? Couldn’t he find an audience in an elevator, or perhaps a dentist’s office?

• An assortment of (apparently) country stars have joined Ritchie on stage for an embarrassing (yes, I know the song is already embarrassing) version of Dancing on the Ceiling.

• Scantily clad dancing girls, bad music and now…black guys? Songs about pickup trucks instead of Benzes. Drinking Budweiser instead of Colt 45. Loving Jesus instead of Chronic. (Ok, I admit, that one is a little skewed. I mean, most of us agree that chronic is harmless.) My god, is country the new crappy rap music? Pop the Cristal, it’s BET late night!

• Our Hosts, Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood took us on a musical journey through the show, infusing it with no less than 26 performances each. Plus they both performed.

Good 'Ol Nazi Fightin' Hank!

• At one point, Brad sang a song about Hank Williams, poking fun at him for comparing the President of the United States to Hitler. Oh, but the good sport came out on stage just to show he wasn’t mad at Paisley for the jab, and even got a standing ovation from the crowd. All in good fun. Comparing the President to Hitler. Ah, I betcha even Obama shared a laugh at that one. Hey, it’s Country. Obama’s not getting any of their votes anyway.

The Bored Perry

• The Band Perry took home a few awards. Very attractive group of performers, in fact, they look like they all stepped right out of the salon, especially the guitarist. Country music never looked quite so feathered before. I also like his scarf. For some reason there are two girls in the band – I can only assume they are in the band since they are on stage – sitting down having tea. One of them is reading a book.  Seriously. This in contrast to the previous performers’ strippers chair dancing in leather. Apparently the Perry Band didn’t get the memo. They also didn’t get the sentence structure lesson when naming themselves, either.

The Muppets Take Revenge. Coming soon.

• Some girl wore a skirt made of dead Mupppets.

• Now the nominees for Vocal Group of the year. I expected Acapella, but no. Not sure what makes these groups different than any others. They still play country music. And sing. Aren’t they all Vocal Groups? I mean, it’s country. There isn’t a category for Best DJ, or Best PsyTrance group. What the hell is a Vocal Group?

• Ohhhhhh! The Bono of Country!

"I can live, without you..."

Holy crap, Matt Nathanson! Who is this guy? Exactly like Bono! Only thing missing is the glasses. I really think the only reason he isn’t wearing them is because he knew no one would miss the link if he had. I mean, it’s pretty ridiculous. If you haven’t seen this performance, or heard the way this guy sings, imagine doing your absolute best most comical Bono impersonation. Now imagine doing it better. Now imagine Bono doing his best Bono impression. Now shoot yourself, because you obviously are in horrible agony. Even this crappy song sounds like something Bono might have wiped off his ass.

• Wow. Country got gay. Really gay. Brad Paisley? I couldn’t make this stuff up.

• Here’s a new concept, someone (trust me I have no idea who) just announced winners of a category during his song. I don’t know who should be more insulted – the winners of “Best Radio Host” who had to have their announcement snuck into a performance, or the artist who had to do it. Probably we should be the most insulted, for them thinking we wouldn’t notice. Or that we would. Or that we are watching. Either way I feel insulted.

Lady Liberty at the CMAs

• Carey Underwood dressed like the Statue of Liberty to introduce Reba, who then announced the entertainer of the year, Taylor Swift. Will someone please feed that girl?

• Actually Miss Underwood looks more like a Battlestar Galactica character than Lady Liberty. I’ve actually never seen the show, but that’s how I’d imagine it. With boobs.

Why did they end it with “We’ll see you at the Oscars”? Who were they speaking for? The mind control Television Gods? We’re all doomed.